I woke up Wednesday morning to find Ashtyn still incredibly down. She was not only dealing with loss and disappointment that comes from her immediate situation in Seattle but also stresses coming from Salt Lake City that she was unable to resolve being so far away. When I feel she is at a breaking point, I’m at a breaking point. Her coping mechanism is to sleep. As she slept to escape the intense heartache, I wondered where God was. I felt she had been stripped of everything and was being asked to bare too much without being given anything good to hold onto. When she feels defeated, the strength in her vanishes and fighting cancer becomes impossible. At 1:00 p.m. while laying in bed, Ashtyn said, “I don’t want to go home. What’s the point? It sucks here and it will suck there.” In other words, she was giving up. I pled with her. “Ashtyn, don’t let this ruin you. Don’t let this change you. Let me tell you a little story. When you were 12 years old, one week after finding out you had cancer for the first time, you were defeated, angry, scared, and felt abandoned by God. Do you remember what I told you? I told you to not let cancer change you. Somehow you pulled yourself out and went full force ahead. 3 1/2 months later you gave up again and didn’t care if you ever left the hospital. After several days you pulled yourself out again and asked the doctor, “When can I go home?” His response, “That’s all I needed to hear. You can leave today.” When you were 15 years old and recovering from septic shock soon after finding out cancer was back for the second time, you were depleted and didn’t have the fight in you. Dr Maese reminded you, through a tough love talk, that you needed to find that strength within. You pulled yourself out again and kicked cancers butt. Ash, you have pulled yourself out before and I know you can pull yourself out of this again. Don’t let this experience ruin you. Don’t let it change who you are. From the time you were a small child you always worried about everyone else. You always gave your treats, stuffed animals, and toys to other kids. I kept telling you to stop giving everything away but you couldn’t help it. When you were three years old and in a dance class, you couldn’t focus on dancing because you were too worried about another girl who you felt wasn’t being included. That’s who you are, so start texting your friends and family everyday and find out how everyone else is doing. Stop thinking and worrying about yourself. Allow everyone else to think and worry about you while you think and worry about others.”
By Wednesday night there was a clear difference in Ashtyn’s countenance. The heavy despair was gone. The intense disappointment and discouragement was gone. The depression and defeat was gone. Not only do I feel it, but I see it. Through out the day she spent time on her phone texting people, didn’t sleep all day, enjoyed watching two episodes of Survivor to catch up on the series, and willingly downed four necessary water bottles without a fight when just the day before she had refused. When I asked her how she pulled out of her funk, she really didn’t know. I’m thinking it was a combination of a few things. 1. Her dad, siblings, and step-mom were in town the last couple of days and were able to get her outside to walk in the park Monday and visited the Aquarium and pier on Tuesday. 2. Her doctor in Salt Lake City, Luke Maese, called and chitchatted with her for 35 minutes. 3. There are individuals in Seattle who have felt impressed to help us, have acted upon those promptings, and have made us feel like we aren’t alone. 4. People in Salt Lake City, and all around, have sent letters, packages, messages, and texts. 5. Many people are praying for her and I know those prayers are being answered.
I started the day wondering where God was and ended the day recognizing how very aware He is. More than ever, I know we can’t get through this alone and are grateful to God for being so good to us. Thank you to all of you for building us up and helping us along the way. Thank you sincerely for your thoughts, messages, prayers, kind acts, and for taking the time to read this.
Morgan is Ashtyn's go-to when it comes to having a good hair day.
I'm not a very good substitute when Morgan's not around.
That's what sisters are for.
Wonderful view with wonderful kids.
Aquarium. Ashtyn was last here when she was four.
"You're climbing the summit. You're almost there."
Ethan and Ashtyn have always been tight
Facetiming her little cousins always brings a smile to her face.
Dad, Natalie, and Ethan always has her back.
Luke (Dr Maese) always has a way of calming Ashtyn
while bringing strength to live her life to the fullest.
