Ashtyn and I are back in Seattle for another month of chemotherapy. Five days ago when leaving Seattle Ashtyn prayed she would have the energy at home to do as much as possible. I saw first hand that her prayer was answered. I won't go into specifics of everything she did but it included going to church, school, seminary, shopping, parties, and get-together's. From morning until late night, for 4 1/2 days, she socialized and was on the go. It was a wonderful blessing to be home. It was also a time of mourning. I'm genuinely happy but also feel deep sadness. I'm extremely grateful and also feel completely gypped. Ashtyn is missing out on high school experiences, seminary, dances, activities, and end of year parties which she has looked forward to from a young age. Even though I personally didn't like high school, it's an experience that means a lot to her and no one can give junior and senior year back. Morgan and Ethan are missing out on daily experiences they can't get back either. I'm missing out too. I can't be there for Morgan and Ethan. On Ethan's last day of school, I can't line up outside the building with other parents to cheer and clap for all the 5th graders as they walk out of elementary school for the last time. It's a once in a lifetime experience and I won't be there. One of my favorite memories this past week was sitting on our front door bench with Ethan in the morning before he walked to the bus and made sure I was sitting on the bench for him when he got home. Going into middle school, he won't be taking the bus anymore. I can't list all the daily experiences we miss out on and won't get back because they're once in a lifetime. In the grand scheme of things, it's all the small daily interactions with family, friends, neighbors, and strangers that matter. Those moments are what make up life. My friend Amanda, who has a daughter fighting cancer too, said "We will look back and remember how hard and awful all of this was but we'll also remember the tender mercies and the blessings." Of course this is true. We have had interactions in Seattle and met lifelong friends I will forever be grateful for.
Please pray that Ashtyn will go into remission safely in June so we can get back home for good.
