Good Morning

Good Morning and thank you for visiting. I was up all evening with Ashtyn and was unable to write an update. I plan to have that written and get it posted by this evening. Thank you so much for caring and being a part of Ashtyn’s Army. Your support really means a lot to us!

Life is Good

Wednesday night was awful.  Ashtyn went to bed around midnight.  I turned the lights off close to 2:30 am, and at 4:30 am Ashtyn woke up and the only thing she could whisper was, “Mom, lay with me.” Sometimes she likes me to lay in her bed and other times she doesn’t   I asked her, as I often do, how much pain she was in on a scale of 1-10, 1 being no pain, 10 being the worst pain imaginable.  She softly said, “10”.  Ashtyn didn’t speak the rest of the night.  I am so grateful she knew what to say that gave me the insight into what she needed.  She needed me to lay in bed and help get her pain under control.  Throughout the night she had a low dose of morphine continuously going through her central line.  In addition to that dose she was allowed to press a button every 10 minutes that gave her extra amounts of morphine.  Ideally she is suppose to push the button on her own when she feels her pain getting worse.  Last night her pain was so intense she couldn’t even push the morphine button.  From 4:30 am until 9:30 am I laid beside her pushing her morphine button every 10 minutes.  I don’t think her pain level ever got below an “8” but at least pushing the button helped.  By 10 am the doctors came to her room and finally increased her maintenance morphine from 0.3 mg/hour to 1.0 mg/hour.  They also increased the amount of morphine from 0.5 mg to 1.0 mg every time she pushes the button.  On top of that they gave her an extra 4 mg dose initially just to get her pain under control.  With peace knowing she was feeling better, I fell asleep and slept until 1 pm.  Ashtyn slept until 3:30 pm.

When I woke up I felt emotionless, burnt out, and numb.  I felt nothing.  I was just existing in a small room by myself with nothing to feel.  A nurse informed me that while I was sleeping a friend had brought her therapy dog to see Ashtyn and another friend had stopped by to say hi.  Miraculously messages and texts started coming from Ashtyn’s Army.  My cousin and his wife from the DC area sent me an email voucher for a 2 hour house cleaning service.  My sister Alisa called to tell me she was going to stop by soon and bring me lunch.  Ashtyn received a bag of gifts from Jason’s work.  Jeni dropped by a box of valentines from Ashtyn’s elementary school.  Two separate youth church leaders brought Valentine’s cards.  Messages of encouragement continued to come from the blog and Facebook.

Are you kidding me?  Have we forgotten how good this world is?  Have we been fooled to think there is no compassion and love left?  Has the negativity of our times clouded our eyes making it difficult to see all the positives?  Does bad seem to dominate good?  I don’t believe for one second that the power of good isn’t running rampant around the world.

With Ashtyn’s Army, how could I not immediately feel full?  How could Ashtyn not completely feel loved?  The power of Ashtyn’s Army is strong.  Some day soon I will write a post on the miracles Ashtyn’s Army has brought into my family’s and Ashtyn’s life.  It’s incredible.

I am so proud of Ashtyn today.  She struggled with such pain from mucositis and never cowered away.  In all her misery she allowed me to help her with a shower.  Even though she threw up in a blue plastic bag while in the shower, she pressed forward.  Ashtyn brushed her hair and teeth and did her oral care with mouth wash.  She forced herself to swallow two pills morning and night that aren’t available in IV form.  Can you imagine swallowing anything let alone pills with a completely raw throat?  Under the direction of the nurse, Ashtyn let me do her sterile dressing change for her central line and she even helped me take off the sticky tape of her old dressing.

Today her temperature ranged from 101.6 to 104.4 degrees.  In the last couple of days the nurses have drawn blood to test if Ashtyn has an infection.  I am not surprised that her blood cultures have not grown any bacteria.  For now the thought is her temperature is a natural response to the chemo and mucositis.  Referring back to my post “Nowhere I’d Rather Be” I shared,  “ I believe she did have an infection of some sort, and whatever infection she had was healed using the power of God.”  I still believe had she not received a blessing from her Stake President on Tuesday night, her blood cultures would have come back positive for an infection.  But for now, she is well.

At 5 pm I was feeling good.  Jason had come up after work to be with Ashtyn and the love and support from Ashtyn’s Army surrounded us.  The doctor came into the room with a smile on her face and said, “I have news about the lab work.  Chandler has been matched and is able to be the bone marrow transplant donor for Ashtyn.”  What an amazing moment that was for us.  I immediately called Chandler.  He reacted like a boy receiving an Xbox for Christmas.  God is so kind.  Referring to my post “I Could Not Have Planned It Better Myself” I wrote,  “From the moment I felt a bone marrow transplant was likely, I have always thought it would be Chandler who would be the donor.”  In that same post I wrote of the dream Ashtyn’s 10 year old sister Morgan had, “…They compared my tube with Ashtyn’s.  It was not a match.  They compared Ethan’s tube with Ashtyn’s.  It was not a match.  Then they compared yours (Chandler) with Ashtyn’s and it was a match.”

There are many different explanations that can be said about our previous feelings and comments.  It can be said to be a coincidence, a lucky guess, or intuition. To me it doesn’t really matter what others call it.  For me I call it revelation.  “Revelation is communication from God to His children.  This guidance comes through various channels according to the needs and circumstances of individuals and families.  According to our faithfulness, we can receive revelation to help us with our specific personal needs, responsibilities, and questions.”  Morgan had a dream.  I had a quiet spiritual prompting.  Cool!!!

I started the day feeling empty with no emotions and ended the day full of joy.  I love my life.  Yep. I LOVE MY LIFE.  Even living in the hospital, watching my daughter suffer in pain, not knowing what each day will bring other than a lack of sleep and constant medical procedures.  I am away from Chandler, Morgan, and Ethan whom I adore.  I no longer live the life of carpooling, gym, tending my nieces, friends, family time, and being at home.  I am grateful for the life that God has handed to me.  We have a Heavenly Father who cares and has a plan for us. We have a Savior who understands completely and lightens our burdens.  I have four remarkable, special children.  I have friends, family, and Ashtyn’s Army that are raising me up everyday.  Life is good.

There is No Such Thing as a Bad Day

At the hospital there doesn’t seem to be a big difference between the day and night.  Ashtyn is constantly being woken up every few hours, there are meds to be given at all hours of the day and night, and she has to go to the restroom every 3 hours no matter what time it is.  This morning at 8 am, she woke up and couldn’t talk.  Her throat and mouth were so raw and sore that  it was too painful to speak.  Even when she tried to speak a few words, her voice was weak and high pitched.  With such faith and humility she asked, “Did you tell everyone (her Army) to pray for me? My mouth and throat are really sore. I can’t take pills or eat or drink.  Please pray that my throat will be better and my mouth will be better.”

Much of the day she slept, but it wasn’t a restful sleep.  It was an off and on sleep to escape the pain.  In between sleep she would rarely talk but instead would write a few things on a dry erase board if needed.  Her temperature rose throughout the day and reached 102.6.  Her heart rate reached 130 beats per minute.  She had several nosebleeds and eventually got another transfusion of platelets.  Because of her temperature, they took blood from her Broviac central line to test for infection and started her on two additional types of antibiotics, Vancomycin and Cefepime.  With all of this, she stayed calm and persevered.   By 4 pm the medical team started giving her morphine continuously on a pump.  They also gave her a patient-controlled analgesia (PCA) pump of morphine.   This allows her to not only be given a small amount of morphine constantly but also she can push a button as often as every 10 minutes to get extra morphine when she feels she needs it.  While Ashtyn sleeps she needs an oxygen mask near her face.  With morphine she doesn’t breathe as deep as she otherwise would.  At 6 pm she woke up and asked if she could watch TV.  After so many hours her pain had finally decreased enough to watch TV.  Ashtyn stayed awake for about an hour slowly eating a slushie and then fell back asleep.  She woke up again around 10:30 pm and said, “Mom, I’ve been sleeping most of today.”  Ashtyn checked Facebook and her texts.  She ate some more slushie.  Her pain was tolerable, her temperature was down to 100.4 degrees, and her heart rate dropped to 104.  She fell back asleep by midnight.

From the beginning we always knew there would be good days, followed by bad days, with good days that would come again.  Isn’t that how life is?  Some days, weeks, and months are good and others aren’t so good.  But good and bad days depend on how you look at them.  Today could be looked at as a bad day for Ashtyn, and it was.  But it was a good day for her too.  She was blessed with more loving comments and support, a visit that lifted her spiritually, and another visit that took her mind off her pain.  Her doctors and nurses did some remarkable things to help ease her pain, decrease her temperature, and help her not bleed uncontrollably.  Sure it was difficult but she coped well.  At the end of the day she is feeling better than when she woke up.  Her pain is not as severe as it was and she has the medications needed to keep her pain under control.  Her temperature is being treated and her blood is being tested to see if she has an infection.  Her strength from within is showing.  She is coping well with being in the hospital away from everything she loves.  She is handling the pain and she is emotionally and spiritually stable.  For today, what more could I ask for?

“There is no such thing as a bad day; just bad moments that we choose to take with us all day long.”
— Anonymous

We All Have A Part To Play

ANC is an important medical term in cancer:  Absolute neutrophil count (ANC) is a measure of the number of neutrophils, a type of white blood cell that fights against infection.  A normal ANC is above 1,500 cells per microliter. An ANC less than 500 cells/µL is defined as neutropenia and significantly increases the risk of infection.  The bone marrow is where all white blood cells are produced.

Looking back in time I am absolutely amazed at Ashtyn’s circumstances prior to being hospitalized. A few weeks before getting admitted to the hospital, Ashtyn did feel sick.  Mostly she was just tired. Very tired.  But she tried to go about her normal activities.  Though she missed over a week of school, she continued going to church on Sundays, piano on Mondays, youth group on Tuesdays, and family parties.  On January 19th, 1 ½ weeks before diagnosis, she felt awful but insisted on me taking her to the L.D.S Draper temple with Chandler to do baptisms for the dead.  The day before going to the hospital she went to the humanitarian center with her youth group.  Ashtyn also attended school the day she went to the hospital and had plans to clean a neighbor’s house the following day.  She had the strength within to push through extreme fatigue to accomplish the things she wanted.

Why is this so remarkable?  Several reasons.  The day she went to the hospital Ashtyn’s ANC was 200.  Two Hundred!!!!!!  Cancer patients aren’t allowed to leave their room without a mask with an ANC that low.  They aren’t allowed home until their ANC is at least 500 because of the likelihood of infection, and even then they aren’t allowed to go to school or church for fear of exposure to illness.  Ashtyn came to the hospital with an extremely low white blood cell count but wasn’t sick with any “normal” illness.  I have no doubt it was a complete miracle that she didn’t come in with pneumonia, the flu, or some life-threatening illness from public exposure.  Her entire school was riddled with illness.  Morgan was even home sick with a severe sore throat.  What a blessing it was to be able to come into the hospital and be able to tackle the diagnosis of leukemia without the complications of having to battle a difficult infection.  When Ashtyn was admitted to Primary Children’s they immediately put her on the immunocompromised floor to protect her from infection.  She was also given 2 units of red blood cells because her hematocrit was so low.

How was she functioning at home with such low white and red blood cells?  And how on earth was she not sick with an additional illness?  Total Miracle.

Ashtyn has been on chemotherapy now for 9 days.  Chemotherapy kills cancer cells as well as fast growing cells.  This means that chemo harms cells in the bone marrow, digestive tract, and hair follicles.

It isn’t a coincidence that the day after Ashtyn visited her siblings she started feeling the effects of chemo.  Chandler, Morgan, and Ethan needed the image of Ashtyn being healthy and comfortable so they could envision that through the difficult times.  Today Ashtyn began showing signs of the effects the chemo is having on her body.  Her ANC is 0.  She has no ability to fight infection. Throughout the day I worried that she might be coming down with an infection.  Her temperature was slowly rising and it just didn’t feel right.  By 8 pm she was 100.5.  The doctors treat for infection when her temperature reaches 101.  She also had a nosebleed today due to her low platelets and had a platelet transfusion.  Her mouth has become extremely sore over the last 16 hours with the start of mucositis which is also affecting the lining of her throat.  It is difficult for her to swallow and is painful to eat.  She drank a Slurpee and threw the entire thing back up.  With all the things she is dealing with, she stayed strong today and tried so hard to stay positive.  In the evening, though she wasn’t feeling very well, she addressed all her valentines for her 6th grade class.  Ashtyn decorated her own Valentines Day box for school earlier this week.  She worried that her classmates would forget to give her Valentines cards since she won’t be there.  Ashtyn asked me to email her teacher and make sure they don’t forget her.  Though I knew she wouldn’t be forgotten, I sent her teacher an email anyway.

Ashtyn making Valentine's Day cards for her class. 

Ashtyn hasn’t been losing much hair yet.  She did stand in front of the mirror today and while holding her hair back, picturing herself bald, she cried. “I don’t want to lose my hair.  I will be so ugly.”  “Ashtyn, when you are bald you will be stunning.  Everyone will be amazed at your glow and beauty.  When you are told how beautiful you are, people won’t be saying it just to be nice, they will mean it.  But you won’t see it.  Over time I hope that you do.”

Ashtyn is currently on quite a few medications.  She takes medicine at least every 2 hours throughout the day and night. She is coming to the end of taking her three different chemotherapy drugs (doxorubicin, cytarabine, and etoposide).  Other drugs include “Voriconazole” a prophylactic antifungal medication, “Septra” a prophylactic antibiotic,  Colace to keep her bowels moving, mouthwash to help with mucositis in the mouth, eye drops to prevent infection in the eyes.  Zofran, Benadryl, Phenergan, and Ativan for nausea.  Oxycodone and morphine for mouth and throat pain.  I am so grateful for all the medications that play a part in helping her get better.

At 8 pm Ashtyn’s Bishop and Stake President came to visit.  Before leaving they asked Ashtyn if she wanted a priesthood blessing.  She accepted.  They put their hands on her head and the Stake President gave her a blessing.  The blessing started out sounding generic to what she was in need of.  He blessed her that the doctors would be inspired to treat her properly and that she would have peace.  Soon though the blessing didn’t seem generic to me anymore.  His voice changed and with power he said,  “I command these infections and illnesses to leave your body.” He proceeded to bless her with the ability to tolerate everything in her future.  She will feel pain and discomfort, but blessed her that she will never have more than she can bear.  Afterwards I asked him what he thought when he commanded her illness to leave.  He didn’t remember what he had said so didn’t know what it meant.  But I knew exactly what he meant.  Of course she still has cancer.  That wasn’t what he commanded to leave.  I believe she did have an infection of some sort, and whatever infection she had was healed using the power of God.  By midnight her temperature had stopped climbing and instead had come down from 100.5 to 99.5.

I believe everyone has a part to play in helping Ashtyn, and each individual’s role, whatever that may be, cannot be filled by someone else.  It truly is an orchestra with all “instruments” needed.  As her church leaders left I asked them if they would please keep her in mind.  If they ever feel to come and visit her, to do so right away.  If ever an impression comes to mind concerning Ashtyn, to please act upon it.  I am asking the same from Ashtyn’s Army.  If you ever feel to say a prayer, or share her story, or write a note, or send an encouraging letter, email, thought, or quote, please do so.  If you are inspired to write a song, or poem, or help my family and Ashtyn in any way, I ask you to not ignore your intuitions.

Before going to bed Ashtyn had tears in her eyes and with the most sincere and tender voice she said, “Thank you mom for staying in the hospital with me. I know you’d rather be home.”  “Ashtyn, there is nowhere I’d rather be than with you.”  Surprised, she asked, “Really?”  “Really.”
And that is the truth.

Ashtyn woke up at 2:30 am in quite a bit of pain in her mouth and throat.  The only thing she could manage to say was, “Mom, can you get on facebook and tell everyone to pray for my mouth so I can eat tomorrow?”   She has faith in God and in her Army.  So do I.

After another days end

Ashtyn's Siblings Come To Visit

Yesterday Ashtyn really wanted Chandler, Morgan, and Ethan to come and visit her.  She hadn’t seen them in 12 days and missed them terribly.  I think Ashtyn also needed to see them to help recognize her strength and ability to be apart from them for now.  My other kids needed to see Ashtyn healthy, happy, confident, strong, and optimistic so that they can feel the same.

The doctors and nurse were completely supportive when I asked if Ashtyn could have her siblings visit her. They said Ashtyn could go just outside the unit and spend as much time as she needed with her family as long as she kept her mask on.  There is a conference room adjacent to the lobby where she would be allowed to sit.  I asked the doctors if she could use the conference room which would protect her from all the people walking in and out of the unit.  They had no problem with me using the room.

At 5:30 pm Jason brought Chandler, Morgan, and Ethan up to the 4th floor.  We got security to unlock the large conference room.  Ashtyn did her hair for the first time since being in the hospital, got her shoes on, put the mask on her face, and walked with her IV pole out of the unit into the conference room.  Their greeting was quiet.  We hugged, talked, and ate pizza.  Being in the conference room was such a blessing and changed everything.  We had privacy to be ourselves.  Since there wasn’t anyone else in the room besides us, I was fine with Ashtyn taking her mask off.  In the medical field my decision was completely against logic.  She has no ability to fight illnesses.  I wouldn’t want her to fight a cold or flu for several months just because she got sick from someone else.  However, with my motherly feelings, Ashtyn needed to have that mask off and be herself for the moment. My kids needed to see her without the mask as well.  They needed to see Ashtyn for who she really is:  A strong, confident girl.

After 2 hours Ashtyn was ready to go back to her room.  She cried with the reality that she couldn’t go home with them.  After hugging them she said, “Let just do this.”  She put her mask on, said goodbye, and walked back to her room.  Ashtyn felt empty.  She felt sick and nearly threw up.  It didn’t take her long to regain composer.  I have an previous neighbor who gave Ashtyn many small little presents that she is allowed to open daily when she feels she needs to.  She started opening one gift after another.  After opening over 10 gifts she said, “this will be my last one.”  The gifts filled some of the void.

Ashtyn had the strength within to enjoy the rest of the evening relaxing in bed watching Good Luck Charlie and eating Cup of Noodle soup and Cheetos.  She is determined to do what it takes to fight her cancer so she can go home.  She knows that every day in the hospital is another day closer to going home.  Today Ashtyn ate 1600 calories, had the energy to go the entire day without a nap, and was able to comfort her brothers and sister.  Right before bed Ashtyn told me she was glad her siblings came so she could show them that she is doing well. She’s my hero.

Thank you to Casey for using his photography skills to document our evening.

I Need Thee Every Hour

Why is it that most Sunday mornings I have the same thought come to mind?  “I am so tired.  I don’t want to go to church today.”  But every Sunday I push through that thought, hop out of bed, get my dress on, and head to church.  Whether the three hours at church is remarkable or uneventful, when I get home I never regret having gone.

This Sunday was no exception.  Throughout the morning I kept waking up every hour or so, would look at my clock, and feel too tired to wake up.  By 10:15 am the thought came to me as it always does on Sundays, “I’m too tired for church.”  That thought came to me even in the hospital?  When church is only 30 minutes rather than 3 hours?  Where I can wear whatever I want and I don’t have any kids to get ready?  And all I have to do is walk 1 minute directly downstairs to the assembly room?  Pitiful!!!  But just like all the other Sundays for the past 19 years of my adult life, I got up to go to church.  I quickly put a pair of jeans on and a shirt, (I’ve never worn pants to church before however in the hospital any attire goes), brushed my teeth and hair, ordered Ashtyn some Top Ramen for breakfast, and by 10:30 a.m. I raced out of the room telling Ashtyn I would be back in 30 minutes.

I walked downstairs into the assembly room where church was being held.  There were close to 100 other people attending.  We sang an opening hymn, a prayer was given, and we were welcomed to the service.  We then sung the sacrament hymn and took the sacrament.  When the sacrament was completed the church leader who is in charge of the hospital L.D.S meeting announced the special musical number.  It was a song sung by Vocal Point, the Brigham Young University’s 9-man a capella ensemble.  As I sat and listened to the most powerful rendition of “I need thee every hour” the thought kept repeating in my mind, “Ashtyn has got to hear this.”  After the musical number, a 10 minute talk, closing song, and prayer, the church meeting was over.  I walked a few steps to where the a capella group was sitting and with tears in my eyes I asked, “Would you come to my daughter’s room and sing that song?”  They answered, “We would love to.”  I told them that I really wanted them all to be there so Ashtyn could get the entire effect of the song but didn’t know if the nurses would allow it.  There is a fairly strict policy that only 2 people can be at the bedside.  I tend to stretch the rule at times by having 3 people at the bedside, however I knew 10+ people would be pushing it.  The church leaders wife, Cheri, listened as I told of my desire for them to sing to Ashtyn.  When I was 12 years old I lived in Cheri’s neighborhood and went to the same church as she did.  Cheri suggested that the group go to Ashtyn’s room right away and she would go up with them.   I headed to Ashtyn’s room to ask her nurse permission.  Soon the group of nine, and some of their wives stood outside Ashtyn’s door.  Hardly able to maintain composure, I told them a little about Ashtyn.  “A few weeks ago Ashtyn was what seemed to be an extremely healthy, normal 12 year old girl.  She never had to go to the doctor’s for anything.  A week ago she was diagnosed with a very rare type of leukemia.  I believe God is giving her this week to build emotional and spiritual strength by giving her experiences like this.  She is being prepared and fortified so that she will have the faith, courage, hope, trust, confidence, and determination to fight with everything she’s got.”  I shared a few more of my thoughts pertaining to Ashtyn’s future.  I then opened her door and invited them to go in.  They greeted her with such love and then sung this song to her.

Can you imagine the spirit that filled the room?  They sung with such emotion and such power.

I then asked Ashtyn if she had a favorite primary song she wanted them to sing.  Immediately she said, “Yes.  A Child’s Prayer.”  So they sung her favorite song.

There are no words that can explain the spirit those men brought to Ashtyn’s room.  There is no way I can explain the power that was there.  I believe Vocal Point came to the hospital today for Ashtyn.   They might have lifted other children and families as well, but they were sent for Ashtyn.  I am so grateful I pushed through the thought of “I’m too tired to go to church” and went.  It was a blessing that I knew Cheri and that she encouraged them to go to Ashtyn’s room at the time they did.  I’m grateful that no medical staff stopped 12+ people as they walked through the locked doors and past several nurse’s stations to Ashtyn’s room.  I feel watched over that Ashtyn had a nurse who was compassionate enough to recognize the benefits outweighed the risk of having so many at her bedside.

Once Vocal Point left Ashtyn’s room, the charge nurse and other staff were not pleased with what had happened.  Ashtyn’s nurse got in trouble and I will likely get a lecture tomorrow about remembering to abide by the bedside rules.  I am grateful that God is in charge, orchestrating everything.  I know He will continue to look out for Ashtyn and give her the blessings she will stand in need of.  I am grateful that Ashtyn felt completely healthy today.  She was able to fully enjoy and absorb the spirit of the song.  I hope when our faith is stretched thin, we will remember our testimony of prayer.  “Pray, he is there.  Speak, he is listening.  You are his child.  His love now surrounds you.  He hears your prayers.  He loves the children.  Of such is the kingdom, the kingdom of heaven.”   I pray when our hope is shaken we will remember and constantly plead to God, “I need thee every hour, in joy or pain.  Come quickly and abide, or life is vain.”

Later in the evening Ashtyn answered her Uncle Ryan’s question, “Would you rather have had Justine Bieber or Vocal Point sing for you?”  She said, “Well it’s Sunday so I’d rather have Vocal Point.”  Me too.  Our worldly enjoyments seem to be lessening in their significance as the heavenly enjoyments move to the forefront.

The moment Vocal Point left the room, Ashtyn asked if she could see her siblings for the first time since being in the hospital.  Tears filled her eyes as she longed to see them.  To hug them.  To have them near.  The medical staff did not feel comfortable with letting her see them today.  Tomorrow will be another day for another miracle.  My hope and prayer is that Chandler, Morgan, and Ethan can see Ashtyn before she loses her hair and doesn’t feel well.  I pray that Ashtyn will be able to see them while she is feeling well enough to enjoy it.  This boost would be a great help to her and her siblings as they continue to prepare for the side effects from chemo that are in Ashtyn’s near future.

At 12:30 a.m. I layed with Ashtyn in her bed, cuddling and tickling her arms.  As she fell asleep in my arms, my heart and every fiber of my body was filled with love for this young tender daughter of God.  It’s a feeling of warm, intense love that makes my heart literally feel full.  I believe so many of you have that same feeling for her.  I just received a text from Ashtyn’s phone from a neighbor we lived next to for 10 months in 2012.  I believe the feelings she expressed is how so many of you feel for Ashtyn:

“Dear Ashtyn, 
Just can’t sleep!  You are on my mind.  I want you to know Conner, Parker, Taylor, Jim, and I pray for you day and night.  We pray for you to be strong.  We pray for your tummy to feel better, so you can eat.  We pray you will have the courage of heroes like Nephi, the strippling warriors, and our Savior.  Courage to be brave.  Courage to face this trial.  Courage to listen to your doctors.  Courage to fight and overcome this cancer!  You can do this, and now you have friends, family…and people who don’t know you but have heard your story…who all love you and will be by you through this.  There are those fighting for you to overcome this trial, who know and love you, on the other side of the veil.  We are all part of your army! Hang in there sweetheart.  Since we can’t be with you every day, we pray you will feel the power of all the prayers being said for you.  Through the power of the Holy Ghost, may you, your mom, and family be comforted.  Rest well, be strong, be happy, and you will be well at home soon.  We love you. Tracee”

Thank you for reading Ashtyn’s blog.  Thank you for encouraging and supporting her.  Thank you so very much for your prayers.  I have seen your prayers being answered.  When she is in need of a specific prayer, I feel in my heart to include Ashtyn’s Army.  I don’t believe they will be answered any other way.  Each prayer matters.  Each prayer makes a difference.  Each prayer brings power.  Ashtyn ate 2180 calories today without a problem.  That is a miracle.  That is the power of prayer.

In Her Own Words

FROM ASHTYN:

I was at school and didn’t feel well.  I felt like collapsing so I called my mom to pick me up.  She came in and I told her I needed to go to the doctor.  We went to the Holladay Instacare.  I was really scared because I have always hated getting poked with shots.  They poked me five times trying to get some blood to get answers.  Finally they told us to go to Primary Children’s Hospital.  I was flipping out and crying.  When I went home to get my stuff, I was really scared to see doctors, get more pokes, and I didn’t want to spend the night.  Who wouldn’t be scared of the hospital?  Seriously!  My Grandpa Poulsen gave me a blessing.  I do not remember any words but it gave me more comfort than what I had.

After the blessing we went straight to the car and headed off with our stuff.  My mom drove her car.  I went in my dad’s car, just me and him.  We talked.  He said that whatever happens was meant to happen.  That gave me even more comfort so I was calm and peaceful.  When I got to the hospital they gave me one poke to get more blood.  They told me that it could be mono or leukemia or aplastic anemia.  That took all of my comfort away and I was crying and hoping that I wouldn’t have leukemia.  The doctors kept talking about leukemia and that made me even more frustrated.  Then they told us to spend the night.  I thought I would only spend one night and go home in the morning.

A few days later when I found out I had leukemia I cried.  I was scared to be in the hospital longer and I didn’t know what to do.  I felt lost and couldn’t feel the Spirit.  But after a few days I realized that leukemia is not as scary as you think it is.  The word is scarier than what it really is.  I knew that I would be better soon and that God would give me strength to do whatever I had to do to get better.  Not that it’s not scary but it’s not as scary as I thought it would be.

I learned that I will lose my hair.  They need to give me medicine so I can get better and the medicine will take my hair.  I am willing to give God my hair and He will give me strength for whatever they do around here.

My bone marrow procedure was the first time I had a procedure with falling asleep.  I was scared but at the end it really wasn’t anything.  Now that I know what kind of things they do here I am prepared for more procedures and I am prepared for anything….except the NG tube.  Before my CT scans I had to have an NG tube to give me liquid needed for my CT scan.  It was one of the worst… actually it was the worst thing I have had to do here so far.  Now they tell me to have 1500 calories a day.  If I don’t do a very good job at eating the calories, I will have to have another NG tube.  I am trying my very best and forcing food down me.  Even though its hard eating, I think it’s worth not having the tube.  The tube is awful!  Today I felt so full and nauseated.  I threw up around 5pm.  Throwing up is still better than having an NG tube.  I will not give up because I know that I can prove these doctors wrong.  After I threw up, I let my stomach settle for about an hour and then I had some KFC macaroni and cheese and mashed potatoes.  I didn’t throw up again tonight.

I hate this place. A lot.  I am so annoyed when doctors come in my room.  I hate when the doctors come in, sit down, and talk to me.  It seems like their mouths never stop moving and it annoys me.  I sometimes feel stuffy because my room is so small.  I feel I need to breath a little.  I hate being closed in.  I just want to go outside and take a breather.  That sounds nice, just to go outside.  I hate the fact I am a patient.  I don’t like getting so much medicine.  I do not like some freaky nurses.  I hate when hospital people come in and ask me personal stuff and they never seem to leave.  It’s just not cool.  I don’t like being hooked up to an IV pole.  I hate eating so much.  It seems like I am always eating or my mom is always nagging me to eat.  I don’t like throwing up but sometimes in the end it feels better.  I hate the idea of all of this hospital crap.  I hate all the medical words.  I hate how I am woken up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.   I hate being away from home and family.

I like visitors and all the cards that people write me.  I like the stuffed animals and presents.  I like to be able to sit in bed all day… well maybe not.  I like that I’m not needing to do any school right now.  I like the thought that I will go home soon…. I mean eventually.  I know that everyday I am here, I am another day closer to being done with this sickness.  Everyday I am here is a day closer to being able to go home.  I haven’t been bored because of all the presents and stuff people have given me.  I know a lot of people are supporting me, loving me, and praying for me.  It gives me more hope and makes me want to fight harder because I can’t let down the Army.  Thank you for all the support and love that you send me.  I am glad to have such wonderful people beside me.  That’s amazing how strangers are reading about me and are concerned about me.  It’s awesome to have friends to lean on and know they’ve got my back.  I love when my family comes to visit.  I love their support and love for me.  As much as I love my siblings, I try not to think much about them.  It makes me so sad to think about them and makes me miss them more.  My mom and dad are always there for me.  My mom is always here in the hospital with me and my dad tries to be here as much as he possibly can with his work schedule.

Sometimes I feel sad.  Sometimes I feel scared.  Sometimes I feel energetic and fired up to do this.  Other days I feel hopeless.  But at the end of the day, I feel ready for whatever’s going to come to me next.

I know that God gives me strength every day and He helps me in everything I do.  He understands what I am going through.  I know angels are surrounding me and protecting me.  I can just feel it.  I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me.  I know something good is going to come out of this.  I know everyone’s prayers are helping me.  Prayers work.