As anyone would guess, fighting cancer is as much emotional and spiritual as it is physical. It shouldn’t be news to anyone that it is a rollercoaster as I suspect life is a rollercoaster for just about everyone. The mood of each post I write depends a lot on how I am feeling during the moment I'm writing. If I wrote a post on Friday night, it would have sounded like this: Ashtyn got a priesthood blessing on Friday. So many beautiful things were said including, "Heavenly Father wants you to know that He has never left your side. He has been there through every disappointment and heart break as well as moments of achievement and happiness. You can recognize His presence through other people who reach out to you." That has definitely been the case. She and I had an uplifting conversation Friday night feeling motivation, joy, and excitement to make the most of this experience and live each moment fully. We want to absorb every interaction and notice every good thing that comes our way. We want to get to know our doctor, nurses, and health care team, hearing their stories and what inspires them. We want to know what friends and family are doing at home while we make new friends and family here. There is so much to do. This season will be over soon and we don’t want to regret one moment of it.
If I wrote a post on Saturday afternoon it would have sounded like this. “The tide turned a little today. For the first time, there was not one thing on our schedule. It was a much needed day off. Ashtyn woke up with more physical, emotional, and spiritual strength than I have seen since being in Seattle. She is back to being herself with more purpose and joy than I’ve seen in a long time. I however woke up feeling an usual emptiness. With all the love and support surrounding me, why did I feel so sad? My heart felt fragile and tender. Half way through the day I went to the bathroom to cry. It's been a long time since I cried that type of cry. Life brings an array of trials. Most of you don’t know that I got divorced from Ashtyn’s stepdad 1 1/2 weeks after finding out her cancer was back and one week before leaving to Seattle. We are still friends and he is helping so much with my kids at home. I was texting Kylee today and the question came up, “Does it ever make you wonder why we have the certain trials we have?” No one can ever be certain how it all works but I believe God is not a micromanager so I have to assume we had a lot of say into what our life circumstances would be. As I processed my feelings throughout the day, Ashtyn took over everything I would have otherwise done. She went to the lobby to pick up our pizza delivery, swept our room, and met with a visitor who dropped off cupcakes. At 10:00 p.m. she encouraged me to go to the kitchen with her to wrap up our leftovers, “Mom, it’s not good for your soul to stay in the room all day. It might make you feel better if you get out and walk around a bit. We can even go to the Ronald McDonald House pantry and see if there are any snacks you want to bring back to the room." She laughed, "Who do I sound like?” She was actually making fun of me and pretty pleased with her chance to tell me all the things she often hears from me.
It’s now Saturday night and the mood has changed again. There is happiness in our hearts as we spend time together in our peaceful, cozy, comfortable room with uplifting music playing. Even though maybe our hearts ache a little bit with our immediate circumstances, we both feel joy and gratitude for the life we have and excitement for our future. We are grateful for the sacred experiences that come and perspective gained from our struggles. Thank you so much being a part of it.
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