The last post I wrote was about all the good that is happening, but today I want to write about some of the hard realities of cancer.
Saturday night Ashtyn said to me, “Mom, I have a high tolerance for physical pain but currently I don’t have any tolerance for emotional pain. I know how important it is for me to have a good attitude and to be mentally strong to fight this, but I don’t have much emotional strength left. I’m not happy and haven’t been for a really long time. I just want to be happy. I’m tired of missing out on everything. I’m tired of not being able to do the things I want to do. Right when I thought things were going to go my way I got knocked down again. All I wanted was to volunteer at Primary Children’s Hospital, volunteer at Camp Hobe, run for Student Body President, spend time with my friends, and have a great senior year. I’m sick of things not going my way. I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. It’s difficult to fight when I don’t know how long the fight is. It’s like I'm running a race not knowing where the finish line will be. I need to know that something good is around the corner.” Sunday night she broke down again. "I want to stop this treatment. I want to go home!" Physically her body is depleted of healthy blood cells and she is feeling completely worn down. Emotionally she is depleted and feeling completely destitute. She is aware of all the things she is missing out on. She can picture what she’d be doing at home and in school if it weren’t for cancer. With each passing day, she knows there will be more and more of a disconnect with friends and family, more and more lost opportunities, and more and more experiences she’ll miss out on. Her dreams of what she’s always wanted to do Junior and Senior year have been destroyed leaving her with very little immediate things to fight for. As her peers are moving on with relationships, classes, and activities she is left behind, again.
Sunday, as she was dealing with the inner physical and emotional depletion, she and I went to the hospital at 8:00 a.m. for a complete blood count lab draw requested by her doctor. While Morgan and Ethan slept, we waited in clinic for an hour for the results to come back showing that her red blood cells were 25 (normal is 35-44.5 and a transfusion is done at 22), and her platelets were 23 (normal is 150-450 and a transfusion is needed at 10). Her white blood cells were 0.6 (normal is 3.6-10.5 . There’s nothing you can do for low white blood cells but stay away from crowds and do what you can to not get sick). She was borderline needing transfusions and was told to come back Tuesday to check again. We walked into the Ronald McDonald House around 10:30 a.m. where there was donuts at the front desk dropped off by the firefighter paramedics who had come six nights prior when I called 911. Ashtyn and I both took a nap while Morgan and Ethan hung out quietly in the room. At 2:30 p.m. I woke Ashtyn up to drink her Venetoclax and thought it would be a good idea to go for a drive. We drove past Fremont Troll which was about 20 minutes away and stopped at Gas Works Park on our way back. The sun was out and the weather was beautiful. We got out of the car to walk into the park but after walking only a few feet, Ashtyn felt horrible and wasn’t able to go any further. She laid down in the back seat of the car while Morgan, Ethan, and I sat in the park looking at the breathtaking view of the lake and downtown Seattle. After a short time, we headed back to the Ronald McDonald House where Ashtyn slept the rest of the day and night.
I realize that some of these posts are filled with hope and gratitude, and yet others are highlighting how hard this trial is. I think of myself as an optimist realist because I believe good and bad go hand in hand in every situation. That belief doesn't diminish the fact that difficult times exist. It also doesn't diminish my belief that good will come making the heartache more bearable. Our life tends to be a mix of blessings and heartache, and my goal with these posts is to be honest and open about what we are experiencing. My hope is that when I explain her challenges with complete honesty it allows each of you to find ways you can help her, even if distance limits your help to prayers and positive thoughts sent her way. These are difficult times and we are trying to hold on to the fact that it won't last forever. She just needs to be lifted up right now.
Please continue keeping Ashtyn in your prayers that she will 1. become cancer free asap. 2. feel renewed emotional strength and happiness that will sustain her through the long road ahead.
These pictures show the reality of what cancer
looks like when siblings visit for the weekend and
Ashtyn doesn't have it in her to enjoy is.
No comments:
Post a Comment