Miracles

Let's talk miracles for a minute since I've seen so many already. As many of you know, our family returned from a two week family vacation three days before finding out cancer had returned. The trip had particularly been Ashtyn's dream for the past six years. She loves Disney and she loves cruises so Disney Cruises are her fav. She also loves family and wanted nothing more than to have her mom and her dad, though divorced, to take her and her siblings and be together as a family. The vacation was previously booked in 2013 but Ashtyn was diagnosed with cancer two months before we were to leave. We tried to go in 2016 but cancer returned again three months before we were suppose to go. Our third attempt was to go end of January 2018, the earliest possible date after recovering from a Bone Marrow Transplant not even a year prior. Miracle #1: What a miracle it was to be able to go on the trip in the first place. Ashtyn could have easily relapsed months before January. Miracle #2: We now know she had cancer while on our vacation, but at that time we had no clue and enjoyed our trip without a worry in the world. Miracle #3: During our 14 day vacation, Ashtyn had more health and energy than I've seen in years. She walked Disney World without a problem and never felt a moment of sickness while cruising the Caribbean. We are grateful for those miracles of safety and health.

Today we continue to see God's kindness and expect to continue seeing miracle after miracle. Ashtyn has not had a bloody nose while in Las Vegas which would indicate a need for us to go to the hospital for a platelet transfusion. Instead, she continues to feel physically well. Though scared and bummed, she is enjoying her time with family and friends as much as she can. Last night Ashtyn went on a date with Ben Shumway who lives in Vegas. They went to Fremont Street, saw a laser show at the Dome, had dinner, and finished the night going on the NY NY rollercoaster. She had a blast. We have known Ben since Ashtyn was four years old and have loved his family ever since. We have learned through the years that there is definitely opposition in all things. When tough times come, tender mercies come as well. When things seem impossible, miracles happen and all things become possible.

Balancing Knowledge and Faith

Ashtyn's most prominent emotions right now are sadness and disappointment. We continue to have a sickening pit in our stomach, a achy heart, and feel adrenaline that comes from being stressed. But honestly she's not standing around moping, crying, freaking, or letting cancer hold her down. She is so funny, energetic, and spunky. We are also really enjoying our time in Las Vegas together and have some super fun plans this weekend. We feel very blessed. With that said, cancer is obviously always on our minds. We are not oblivious to the fact that statistically Ashtyn should not survive this 3rd fight with cancer. In October 2016 she was on life support in the intensive care unit with medically a zero percent chance of surviving but God provided miracles and she came out of it unscathed. At this point we know her prognosis is just as grim but the chances are just as high that miracles will surely happen again. Why doubt God now? There is this fine balance of managing thoughts when we know scientifically her chances of survival are slim but spiritually and with God her chances are really good. We will continue to think positively, face this with 100% hope, and absolutely trust God. Just watch Him because He really does amazing things. The most important prayer right now is that the oncology doctors will be inspired and guided this week to discover the best cancer treatment for Ashtyn. Please include the wonderful doctors in your Sunday prayers, fasts, meditations, church services, prayer chains, and whatever other forms used to call upon our Higher Being.

Blindsided

This is a picture of my 12 year old Ashtyn taken at the beginning of February 2013, one week after finding out she had cancer for the first time. She wasn't feeling good that day and soon became very sick. I wrote exactly five years ago today, "Ashtyn's physical body is having a rough time with the effects of chemo. Her temperature is 105. Her mouth down to her stomach is raw with mucositis, making it painful. At times she has to throw up the blood that has accumulated in her stomach. She is on oxygen at all times, unsteady on her feet, in and out of sleep, not talking much, and her hair is beginning to fall out. She is emotionally and spiritually doing well and I know she is only being given what she can tolerate and handle."

That was her first experience with chemotherapy and for those who don't know her story, she got cancer free and was given her first bone marrow transplant in June 2013. She went 3 1/2 years cancer free before finding out on October 9th 2016 that it was back. Again she beat the odds, got cancer free, and received her second BMT in March 2017. We are as blindsided with this third diagnosis as we were the first and second time. Our hearts ache constantly and emotions are continually high. We feel stress, stunned, calm, disappointed, optimistic, shocked, happy, bummed. It's difficult to sleep. It's difficult to eat. Even though our hearts ache, body shakes with stress, and cancer never leaves our mind; we talk, joke, laugh, and smile. It's strange to feel all the emotions at the same time but it's a roller coaster we'll have to stay on for awhile.

We are in Las Vegas and will try to enjoy our weekend. Please pray that her blood counts will stabilize and she will remain healthy while here. Two days ago her labs showed low white blood cells, red blood cells, and platelets. We pray they will stabilize for the next 6 days while we spend time together in Vegas and send Chandler off to the Missionary Training Center on Wednesday. I am sure Ashtyn is heading for blood transfusions and isolation but we ain't got time for that yet.
photo credit: Fauset Photography

How are we doing?

How are we doing? We're trying. We are ok and ready or not, going to fight this thing. We are not in denial and unaware of what we are facing. We may not know what this battle is going to look like but we do know it is a battle we'll fight with as much positivity and optimism as we can. You may wonder how that is possible. The answer is, there is no other choice. Worry and fear are such a waste of emotions that are not productive and will change nothing. Why worry about things we have absolutely no control over? Why worry about things that may or may not happen? We are going to live in the moment, day by day, and let go of the rest. We know Ashtyn needs to do her part, I need to do mine, her doctors and nurses will do theirs, her family will, and hopefully her Army as well. So we will let go of worries of the future and things we have no control over and instead live each moment for what it truly is, leaving the rest to God. 

Today Ashtyn went to school because she doesn't know the next time she will be able to. It was physically exhausting and emotionally draining. With the school trimester ending on March 1st, her counselor is going to freeze Ashtyn's current grades so she can get credit for the trimester. In a week or two we will determine whether she can finish out the school year or not. Chandler and Morgan left for Las Vegas this morning. Brad, Ashtyn, Ethan, and I are going to pack up and leave in a bit. We will enjoy this last week we have with Chandler before his mission and enjoy the moment. Please pray that the oncology doctors and staff will be guided, educated, informed, and enlightened as to what the best course for Ashtyn will be. Thank you for the love you are already sending through visits, texts, messages, and phone calls.

Third Time Fighting Cancer

On Tuesday I took Ashtyn to the cancer clinic for her monthly check up. We were both so confident in her health. She has been feeling strong, energetic, and better than ever. We were shocked to find her complete blood count lab came back abnormal. Her red blood cells, white blood cells, and platelets were all quite low. Of course our first thought was that she relapsed. My body's stress response kicked in where I shook and felt freezing cold. Ashtyn cried and fear overtook her. We then started thinking that it must be a virus affecting her marrow and its ability to produce blood cells. The decision was made to check her for Leukemia as well as a slew of viruses.

Today she went to the hospital for a bone marrow aspirate, biopsy, and lumbar puncture to check for leukemia. She also got a bunch of blood work done to test for viruses. Ashtyn was cautious and nervous all day thinking she had a 50/50 chance of having cancer again. I was uneasy but hopeful it was a virus and she would bounce back in no time. We got home at 3:30 p.m. and by 5:10 p.m. I got a phone call with "Oncology" on my caller ID. I walked away to be alone as I answered the phone. One of Ashtyn's bone marrow transplant doctors let me know that she had relapsed. I felt surprisingly calm as I asked a few questions and then hung up the phone. I walked into the living-room, sat down next to Ashtyn, and looked at her. Her eyes widened and she cried, "No!!!" Yes, it's true. Cancer is back. She sobbed, screamed, freaked, and was devastated. It's been a few hours now after finding out the news. Ashtyn is terrified and calm and hopeful and scared and every other emotion. If you were to ask her how's she doing the answer would be, "It's a mix of emotions. Ask me in a few days because right now I feel different every 5 seconds."

The facts are: We have no idea what to expect in the coming weeks and months. Tomorrow we are leaving to Vegas for Morgan's cheer competition. The doctors need a week to figure out what to do anyways. We get home on Tuesday and will take Chandler to the Missionary Training Center Wednesday where he will be serving a two year mission to Orlando Florida. Thursday we will meet with oncology doctors to discuss options and plans. For now we will just go day by day trusting God's wisdom, perspective, and love with complete faith in the miracles the Lord wants for her.

October 31, 2016

Everyday goes by so fast for me. And each day is full of different emotions that are unexpected at times. Ashtyn had a slow start to the day. She laid in bed complaining of abdominal pain. The room needed to be quiet and low key while she laid in bed trying to sleep. Around noon I asked her if she was fighting today. She said, "No". I knew she wasn't. She was quietly mourning the reality of cancer. To you and me, she's had cancer for three weeks but to her she has only had it for a week. Morgan came to visit today. The first thing Ashtyn said was, "Happy Birthday Morgan". The day before Ashtyn went to the PICU was Morgan's 14th birthday on October 15th. Ashtyn's finally back to reality and she missed two weeks of her life. The first week of diagnoses was spent getting settled into the hospital and trying to wrap her mind around the reality of relapse. Now she needed time to mourn and feel the heartache that comes from facing the reality of cancer. It's so tempting to run from heartache by putting up walls and doing other activities that distract. I've always taught my kids, no matter how painful and difficult, when heartache comes, take the time to truly feel it to then be able to move forward and heal. Ashtyn needs to go through her feelings of sorrow, which will then spring her forward to being able to face each coming day with even more strength. About 1:00 pm Dylan came to visit and the fight within her started coming back. Side note on who Dylan is: Dylan stood by Ashtyn during her first round of leukemia as her home health nurse. Their friendship quickly progressed to a much deeper relationship where Dylan became her cancer rock. They have been close for over three years. When Ashtyn was told she probably relapsed, her first response was, "Call Dylan. I need him here now." And of course he dropped everything and came to the hospital to see her. We now call him her Godfather because there's no better word to describe their spiritual connection and the support he gives her in life. He is her constant cheerleader in all she does. When Dylan got there Ashtyn took a walk. She walked at least double the distance than she did yesterday and with much more strength. She walked to the other side of the unit called the "C" pod. While there she visited Shelbie who just finished her 3rd out of 4 rounds of chemo and is going home tomorrow. Ashtyn met her when she was admitted to the hospital three weeks ago, has seen Shelbie a couple times, and naturally feels a deep connection to her fellow teen cancer fighter. After hugging and talking to Shelbie, Ashtyn sat in a chair nearby and stared at a room down the hall. It was the room her friend Sarah stayed in 3 years 8 months ago. Tears started to come as she cried for Sarah Magera who passed away a month ago at the age of 16, after her long fight with cancer. Ashtyn met Sarah on "C" pod in February 2013 and will always remember her as being the first teen cancer friend she met. She looked up to Sarah for being so brave and so positive during her fight. Ashtyn's heart hurt missing Sarah. After she was done crying, Ashtyn held onto her walker and walked back to her room. Ashtyn's stomach continued to hurt. An ultrasound was done. The results showed no change since Friday. I wonder if a lot of her stomach pain has to do with her emotional pain. Caleb came to visit Ashtyn at 8:00 pm, as he does every night. They watched Cosby Show and Catfish together on the laptop. She then watched Modern Family and Seinfeld on the hospital TV. This was the first time Ashtyn could sit through an episode of anything. Not only did she watch one episode, she was up for watching four hours of TV! That is saying so much. She was not only feeling well enough to handle the stimuli from the noise, but also able to concentrate and stay awake to watch it. The girl is getting better.

October 30, 2016

Today was exactly the kind of day Ashtyn needed. Calm. Giving her a chance to get physically, mentally, and emotionally stronger. It started out after having a great night. She slept pretty much through the night. That was a first in 1 1/2 weeks. Ashtyn was able to sleep in, for the most part, until noon. Physical Therapy stopped by to take her for a walk. The task did not excite her at all. However, she got up and did what she knew was the right thing. It's hard for a healthy person to comprehend how difficult it is to support 100 pounds and walk after being knocked down completely and unable to walk for two weeks. A walker was given to Ashtyn and was told they would walk out into the hall and back. After getting out of bed and situated, a mask was put on her face, she picked up the walker and unsteadily started walking quickly out the door. She obviously wanted to get it over with asap so she could get back in bed. Ashtyn took a break after walking a minute or two and then walked slower back to her bed. I was very impressed with her strength. At 7:00 pm she took a dreamy sit down shower. She loved feeling the warm water spray on her body. Throughout the day she had been thinking about shaving her head. During the shower I asked if this was the night to do it. She said yes. Her boyfriend Caleb and his mom Jacque arrived at that time. I asked them to get a chair ready for Ashtyn. After her shower she walked to the chair, sat down, and with concern asked, "Mom, should I do this?" I asked her if she wanted to look at herself in the mirror. She nodded. A mirror was handed to her. Ashtyn was completely stunned and saddened at what she saw. Last she remembered, her hair was long, straight, and beautiful. Now, there was hardly anything left and had changed her entire appearance. She cried for several seconds and then courageously said, "Yeah, let's shave it." We got the clippers ready and handed them to Ashtyn. She quietly began to shave. After a few strokes she handed the clippers to Caleb and asked him if he would do it. He took the clippers and continued shaving her head. It became a little painful at the end so I finished the job. Once in bed Ashtyn went through several emotions. Sad. I encouraged her to cry. Angry. I encouraged her to be mad. She wants to go home. And that's a good thing. We all want her to go home. The fight is in her. She will fight everyday and each day she'll be one day closer to going home. Prayers of the day: 1. Keep progressing without any set backs. 2. For a healthy liver. 3. To get in remission as soon as possible so she can get a bone marrow transplant and go home for good.