I'm Not Unbreakable

Yesterday we hugged Chandler goodbye as he begins his two year mission. My sister in-law Nanette sent me a text. I particularly appreciated her telling me, "I am sure the way you feel on the inside isn't always reflected on the outside." My sister Alisa texted me a quote and then explained, "I know you will continue to cope lightly and deeply, not letting the quicksand suck you down into fear, self-pity, and despair. If the quicksand does get you, I know you will not linger there. You will fight your way out and I am here to help you with that fight." It's true. I'm not unbreakable and am as human as the next person. At times I feel fear, self-pity, and despair but the key has been to not linger and instead redirect focus on the positives. No doubt there is positives in every situation but sometimes you just have to look at things from a different angle. I try every day to be strong, positive, and confident because I want my kids to be strong, positive, and confident. I know if I have faith, optimism, and courage my kids will have faith, optimism, and courage which in turn gives me faith, optimism, and courage which gives them the same and on it goes. Today we are meeting with doctors to discuss cancer treatment options. Ashtyn has been especially anxious waiting a week to find out what the plan will be for her. At this point we truly do trust God completely and are relying on His tender mercies as well as the support of all of you.

Missionary

This young man is an official missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. On Wednesday February 14th, Chandler was in our living room when Ashtyn found out cancer had returned. She was devastated and sobbed, "I'm going to die while Chandler's on his mission!!!" He had an immediate calm and straight forward response, "You're not going to die when I'm on my mission." Chandler is not a stranger to hard times and through it all has stayed true to his optimistic, faithful, level headed personality. Never does he shy away from difficulties but instead presses forward with steadfast and courageous determination. Going on a mission was an easy decision for him based on his belief that it's the right thing to do. It was also a very difficult decision because personally he would prefer staying in the comfort of his own home. Because of Ashtyn's diagnosis, I am more grateful than ever for his willingness to serve and sacrifice and Chandler has found even more of a purpose and readiness to go. We believe that sacrificing what we want for a greater good brings immense blessings and we look forward to what's in store. I really think we'll be amazed. Though we would love to have Chandler home, we absolutely need him on his mission more. My heart will hurt with that final hug tomorrow but my heart will also have more courage to face the future as he is serving God. 

If you ever want to email Chandler, he would really appreciate it: chandler.poulsen@myldsmail.net
Please message me your email if you would like to receive his weekly email.

Life Balances Itself Out

The day after finding out Ashtyn relapsed we left for Las Vegas, a get-away we do each President's Day weekend planned around a yearly cheer competition Morgan performs in. It was perfect timing this year because it gave us time and space to process the news. It's not easy coming to grips with the reality that cancer is back. Ashtyn, Morgan, and I flew home yesterday from Las Vegas while the rest of the family stayed one more day. Chandler wanted to watch his favorite team, the Anaheim Ducks, play one more hockey game before heading on his mission and they happened to play the Vegas Golden Knights Monday night. I originally had planned to watch the game with my boys and drive home Tuesday while Ashtyn and Morgan flew home Monday for school but with Ashtyn's lack of white blood cells and platelets, I thought it would be best to miss the game and stick with the girls. Speaking of low white blood cells and platelets, right now you would never guess Ashtyn is sick by just looking at her. We have been grateful that she has remained healthy while we wrap up this week. With close to zero white blood cells, the cells responsible for fighting infections, she is definitely more susceptible to getting sick. We have put that fact on the back burner and have been greatly blessed with good health. Her platelet count, cells that help clot blood, is also quite low. I would bet she's near the range of needing a platelet transfusion but her cells are staying steady for the moment, allowing us this time to not only send Chandler off on his mission but to also gear up for the fight in front of us. 

Yesterday was also my birthday, a day I tend to reflect on the year prior. My 42nd year was colorful and eventful starting off with Ashtyn being cancer free, stayed in the hospital 50 days straight for a second bone marrow transplant, and while she was recovering traveled a lot as I felt that was the right thing to do. I'm now looking to the year ahead of me knowing I will be fighting cancer along side Ashtyn, writing letters to Chandler who will be in Orlando, and supporting Morgan and Ethan as they learn more life lessons. Through the years I have noticed that life has a way of balancing itself out and I certainly feel ahead on the blessed scale. Even though my 43rd year is sure to be full of ups and downs, it seems the good has always outweighed the bad so I don't suspect this year will be any different.

Miracles

Let's talk miracles for a minute since I've seen so many already. As many of you know, our family returned from a two week family vacation three days before finding out cancer had returned. The trip had particularly been Ashtyn's dream for the past six years. She loves Disney and she loves cruises so Disney Cruises are her fav. She also loves family and wanted nothing more than to have her mom and her dad, though divorced, to take her and her siblings and be together as a family. The vacation was previously booked in 2013 but Ashtyn was diagnosed with cancer two months before we were to leave. We tried to go in 2016 but cancer returned again three months before we were suppose to go. Our third attempt was to go end of January 2018, the earliest possible date after recovering from a Bone Marrow Transplant not even a year prior. Miracle #1: What a miracle it was to be able to go on the trip in the first place. Ashtyn could have easily relapsed months before January. Miracle #2: We now know she had cancer while on our vacation, but at that time we had no clue and enjoyed our trip without a worry in the world. Miracle #3: During our 14 day vacation, Ashtyn had more health and energy than I've seen in years. She walked Disney World without a problem and never felt a moment of sickness while cruising the Caribbean. We are grateful for those miracles of safety and health.

Today we continue to see God's kindness and expect to continue seeing miracle after miracle. Ashtyn has not had a bloody nose while in Las Vegas which would indicate a need for us to go to the hospital for a platelet transfusion. Instead, she continues to feel physically well. Though scared and bummed, she is enjoying her time with family and friends as much as she can. Last night Ashtyn went on a date with Ben Shumway who lives in Vegas. They went to Fremont Street, saw a laser show at the Dome, had dinner, and finished the night going on the NY NY rollercoaster. She had a blast. We have known Ben since Ashtyn was four years old and have loved his family ever since. We have learned through the years that there is definitely opposition in all things. When tough times come, tender mercies come as well. When things seem impossible, miracles happen and all things become possible.

Balancing Knowledge and Faith

Ashtyn's most prominent emotions right now are sadness and disappointment. We continue to have a sickening pit in our stomach, a achy heart, and feel adrenaline that comes from being stressed. But honestly she's not standing around moping, crying, freaking, or letting cancer hold her down. She is so funny, energetic, and spunky. We are also really enjoying our time in Las Vegas together and have some super fun plans this weekend. We feel very blessed. With that said, cancer is obviously always on our minds. We are not oblivious to the fact that statistically Ashtyn should not survive this 3rd fight with cancer. In October 2016 she was on life support in the intensive care unit with medically a zero percent chance of surviving but God provided miracles and she came out of it unscathed. At this point we know her prognosis is just as grim but the chances are just as high that miracles will surely happen again. Why doubt God now? There is this fine balance of managing thoughts when we know scientifically her chances of survival are slim but spiritually and with God her chances are really good. We will continue to think positively, face this with 100% hope, and absolutely trust God. Just watch Him because He really does amazing things. The most important prayer right now is that the oncology doctors will be inspired and guided this week to discover the best cancer treatment for Ashtyn. Please include the wonderful doctors in your Sunday prayers, fasts, meditations, church services, prayer chains, and whatever other forms used to call upon our Higher Being.

Blindsided

This is a picture of my 12 year old Ashtyn taken at the beginning of February 2013, one week after finding out she had cancer for the first time. She wasn't feeling good that day and soon became very sick. I wrote exactly five years ago today, "Ashtyn's physical body is having a rough time with the effects of chemo. Her temperature is 105. Her mouth down to her stomach is raw with mucositis, making it painful. At times she has to throw up the blood that has accumulated in her stomach. She is on oxygen at all times, unsteady on her feet, in and out of sleep, not talking much, and her hair is beginning to fall out. She is emotionally and spiritually doing well and I know she is only being given what she can tolerate and handle."

That was her first experience with chemotherapy and for those who don't know her story, she got cancer free and was given her first bone marrow transplant in June 2013. She went 3 1/2 years cancer free before finding out on October 9th 2016 that it was back. Again she beat the odds, got cancer free, and received her second BMT in March 2017. We are as blindsided with this third diagnosis as we were the first and second time. Our hearts ache constantly and emotions are continually high. We feel stress, stunned, calm, disappointed, optimistic, shocked, happy, bummed. It's difficult to sleep. It's difficult to eat. Even though our hearts ache, body shakes with stress, and cancer never leaves our mind; we talk, joke, laugh, and smile. It's strange to feel all the emotions at the same time but it's a roller coaster we'll have to stay on for awhile.

We are in Las Vegas and will try to enjoy our weekend. Please pray that her blood counts will stabilize and she will remain healthy while here. Two days ago her labs showed low white blood cells, red blood cells, and platelets. We pray they will stabilize for the next 6 days while we spend time together in Vegas and send Chandler off to the Missionary Training Center on Wednesday. I am sure Ashtyn is heading for blood transfusions and isolation but we ain't got time for that yet.
photo credit: Fauset Photography

How are we doing?

How are we doing? We're trying. We are ok and ready or not, going to fight this thing. We are not in denial and unaware of what we are facing. We may not know what this battle is going to look like but we do know it is a battle we'll fight with as much positivity and optimism as we can. You may wonder how that is possible. The answer is, there is no other choice. Worry and fear are such a waste of emotions that are not productive and will change nothing. Why worry about things we have absolutely no control over? Why worry about things that may or may not happen? We are going to live in the moment, day by day, and let go of the rest. We know Ashtyn needs to do her part, I need to do mine, her doctors and nurses will do theirs, her family will, and hopefully her Army as well. So we will let go of worries of the future and things we have no control over and instead live each moment for what it truly is, leaving the rest to God. 

Today Ashtyn went to school because she doesn't know the next time she will be able to. It was physically exhausting and emotionally draining. With the school trimester ending on March 1st, her counselor is going to freeze Ashtyn's current grades so she can get credit for the trimester. In a week or two we will determine whether she can finish out the school year or not. Chandler and Morgan left for Las Vegas this morning. Brad, Ashtyn, Ethan, and I are going to pack up and leave in a bit. We will enjoy this last week we have with Chandler before his mission and enjoy the moment. Please pray that the oncology doctors and staff will be guided, educated, informed, and enlightened as to what the best course for Ashtyn will be. Thank you for the love you are already sending through visits, texts, messages, and phone calls.